So, on Thursday, I blew up (literally, throwing f-bombs and rampaging out) at my little brother over a stupid comment he had made that I’ve made myself about my situation hundreds of times before. There was literally no excuse for my actions. I don’t think I’ve ever lost it like that before.
Best I can figure it is there were a variety of things that all wound up and finally unleashed at one innocuous comment made by a family member. Between the stress of paying bills (unemployment ends in less than a month), trying to rustle up enough business to pay the bills, not getting enough exercise in (the subzero temperatures have made me want to sleep more), not eating as well as I should, and perhaps drinking more than I should (the last week and a half has seen a lot of time at the bars…we’re not talking quantity of drinks, just number of times out). The drinking affects how well I sleep PLUS there’s the residual guilt of “is this the best way to spend this $10?”
So, all these things wrapped up, just broke the dam on Thursday night. It was miserable for my family and it was miserable for me. As such, I need to get a lot better at self care. Some of the stressors I can take care of, some I can’t. So the ones I can take care of I will do so.
1. Journaling. Not so much on the blog here, because no one needs to see me bitching about the same things day after day after day, but the ol’ fashioned pen and paper type. A lot of times, as a Froyd and a Minnesotan, I tend to bottle of frustrations/stress/issues. Not bottle them up as in I don’t say anything and just think it, but bottle it up by completely ignoring something that’s bothering me. Burying it. That causes issues when the dam breaks open, obviously, and is likely the behavior that’s gotten me in trouble before. Consequently, journaling should provide a way to get that garbage out of the system so it’s not lurking in the subconscious building up a pressure build to break.
2. Diet. This is something I’m getting better at, but what I’ve been doing is adjusting what I eat. The problem with that is that I’ve not compensated enough to cover how much I eat. I can eat a candy bar for 250 calories. I can eat a handful of carrots for 39 calories. I’ve been going the carrot route…but that route wears off a LOT faster mid morning/mid afternoon. I’ve got to remember to get another handful (or two). I’ll get wrapped up in what I’m doing and become calorie deficient which breaks my ability to stay calm. Been that way since a kid, just ask my mom.
3. Sleep. This goes hand in hand with diet. If I haven’t had enough for supper (and eating healthy will fill me up right until about bedtime), I won’t sleep well. If I go out and have a beer, I’m not going to sleep well. Normally the sleep situation isn’t so bad, and not having a beer more than once or twice a week won’t mess up the beer. And if the diet’s good (even if I am hangry), I can go on 6 hours of sleep a night without a problem. But staying “full” and away from chemical affectors (effectors? probably affectors) will help me sleep better and more.
4. Drinking. This is a two fold problem: one, chemically, it messes with my sleep. Two, monetarily, it’s money being spent on something that makes me guilty. By cutting back bar-time, this should be taken care of somewhat. I don’t drink at home very much (I’ve gotten out of the home brewing, as I don’t drink as much there because of the issues it has on the ol’ digestive tract), so this shouldn’t be too bad to cut back on. Note to self: meet at coffee shops more than at bars when conducting business. I will also likely order more diet cokes than beers. They’re cheaper, plus free refills. Plus, caffeine and I are still getting along fine.
Can any one of these be blamed for blowups? No. It’s when they all get together, hold hands, and chant kumbayah that the brain goes haywire. I can’t control the stress of my current employment/job situation, and it’s worse now than it has since even when I moved back to Minnesota 5 years ago. But, as a self-regulating adult, maybe it’s time to start getting that out, and thinking on it to mitigate its effects…rather than ignoring it. Coupled with not ignoring it, and a healthier way about the joint, this should help take care of things a bit more. Blowing up at your brother for something that completely didn’t merit it is pretty unacceptable behavior.