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Confessions of a Fat Man
Why am I writing this article, one may ask? Its an answer to all those who’ve asked me how much I weigh, and then asked how much I weighed a year ago. It’s an affirmation of all that I’ve done. It’s a promise to myself that I won’t sink back into what I had become before. Its to show that the will is stronger than the body. It’s a testament of striving for perfection even though you’ll probably never reach it. Its about being happy, regardless of the amount of hassle it is to get there.
Yes, I am fat. Well, not so much anymore, but I used to be. To the music and chunky rhyme of 293 lbs. Yes I was a fatty, and still am, though not to the extreme. What the hell happened, you ask? Well, let’s just say that a life of inactivity isn’t all that its cracked up to be. Here’s what happened: video games, fat food, and too damned busy to actually do ANYTHING. But what the hell? I’m no longer that weight now am I? No sir. Here’s what I cut back on: video games, food, and busy-ness. What the HELL? Yes, you can cut back on those things! So here it is. My personal experience of carrying around an extra 100 pounds that aren’t all melted away YET. Its an uphill battle, that I’m slowly winning. Charlie is my belly, and the green berets are working on smashing the hell out of it. Hill 209, they call it. Actually, it started out Hills 209, 310, and 420, but I’ve lost a bit. The green berets are nearing the end of their battle. Yep. So now the story, if you don’t have anything better to do:
Well, I’ve never been accused of being an active person, in fact, I’ve NEVER been an active person. The most that I did was when I was a young’un. All that running around when you’re a child certainly keeps the metabolism high. My imagination ran free, and so did my teenie feet. Then middle school came along. I realized that as a social outcast, I didn’t really have to care about my appearance or anything else for that matter. Actually, I never did. But middle school is when the infamous carbonated beverage of soda pop became introduced into my home. Used to be just kool-aid, and that of course is no fun to drink after school. I don’t know exactly when it happened but suddenly there always happened to be some Squirt pop in the cupboard above the fridge. Did my parents suddenly bump up into a higher pay bracket to afford this luxurious pop? I have no freaking idea. All I know is that I started drinking squirt and then I was caught. My pop consumption steadily increased and during 7th grade I was up to 3 cans a day. My snacking also went up, because you just can’t have a can of pop without some snackens. My addiction was outta control. Then I started with the real pop. By the end of middle school I was drinking the Dew, hittin’ it hard. That’s Mountain Dew for you non-druggy folks.
During High School, I was doing three cans of mountain dew a day, and several fudge rounds a week. That is roughly 600 calories/day. On top of an already splendid 3000 calorie a day intake due to breakfast cereals, hearty school lunches, and ma’s good home cooking. All this you say, is not enough to make one fat. Well, that’s if you lead an active lifestyle. Which I did not during school. The most active thing I did was play 4-H softball in the summer. That was enjoyable, but no where near enough to melt off the pounds that I was gaining due to my diet and lifestyle. I must also point out that during high school my video game playing habit skyrocketed.
Video games could also be blamed a bit for my lifestyle change. Before 4th grade, the most technologically advanced system that we had in the house was the Apple IIGS. Great games on it, but no new ones for several years after we had gotten it, so it was just boring to play on, except for those 3 or 4 day binges on some favored game(Wings of Fury or the Ghostbusters were definite favorites). Then along came the NES in 4th grade. My paradigm shifted. No longer would I have to play outside and use my imagination, everything was right there on the TV screen with pretty great graphics and great gameplay. My sink into destruction began. Eventually the systems were upgraded, and upgraded again. More and more advanced games took more and more of my time. I thank my lucky stars that High School was so easy that I didn’t have to do homework and still get pretty decent grades. Video games had become my social life all by my lonesome outside of school.
This isn’t to say that I didn’t have a life. I had friends and they all gently mocked me for my video game habit, and my heftiness. I thought nothing of it, but probably should have heeded their pokings. No matter, that is in the past. My social life was hanging out in a friend’s basement, playing poker or watching movies. Occasionally we would catch a movie. Nothing too demanding of my deteriorating physical abilities.
But what of money to support my video game habit? Well, I worked at Kmart. Yes, that paragon of employee health and fortitude. I hated that place with every ounce of my soul after the first 9 months. I moved from stock boy to electronics counter drone in 3 months. There was a great deal of walking going on, but again there was a massive influx of calories. I would have a can of pop on each break(there’s 2) and one on Lunch with my heavy caloric prepared food(aka CRAP). There’s 1500 calories in 8 hours. Not having much in the way of exercise again accumlated the weight.
This lasted throughout High School, with the waist line growing from something like 34 to 38 to 40. Then college hit. College with its open schedules, college with its freedom, college with its computer science classes. Well, that’s something else. Computer Science, in case you give it some thought, is a thing where you don’t do much other than sit in front of a computer staring at it and typing. That’s what the first 2 years of college consisted of for me outside of the classes in my spare time when I wasn’t playing video games. And what do you do when you program? Well for me it was snack. I ate and drank pop and various goodies that were not good for me. The freshmen fifteen(which is NOT a BSU-only deal), came on. The freshmen fifteen for you non-college students is the 15 pounds gained while you are a freshmen. I must also point out that I changed jobs during this period.
My job now wasn’t to walk around as a drone(though I did keep that job for roughly 3 months longer than I needed), it was to sit behind a desk and push papers for sick people so they could get into a hospital. Yes, I sat on my ass for 8 hours at a time in a comfy chair(which my rear was rapidly becoming, but we’re talking about the OTHER chairs) and…yep! You guessed it! STARED AT A COMPUTER MONITOR AND TYPED. My life was rapidly becoming a déjà vu experience as I went from one location to the next to repeat the same type of thing over and over. God only knows why I didn’t get carpal tunnel, but suffice to say I didn’t.
Then I moved out the summer after freshmen year. I also believe that this was bad for my general health and weight management. No longer was I eating relatively nutritious foods at home, I was eating whatever I could lay my grubby paws on from our grocery supply. The amount of pizza consumed skyrocketed. Hot pockets became a hot item, macaroni and cheese was tasty. Those little Totino’s Party Pizzas were DEFINITELY tasty. No more concerned with nutrition, I ate what was available and what tasted good. Then I moved into my own place.
Now the amount of food being consumed really went up. No longer was I sharing groceries with other people, my mother took me grocery shopping. I don’t know why she didn’t suggest healthier foods, or lesser amounts, but for whatever reason she did not. That is not her fault, but mine alone. Anyways, I ate more and more crap foods. More and more pop was consumed. My lifestyle became more sedentary and I didn’t care one whit. What to do when you’re bored out of your mind? Here’s what I did: I ate. Sad to say it, but that is the case. Sittin’ around, bein’ bored, and eatin’.
My second year of college, and my first autumn of living alone, I began to work nights. And what pray tell do you do while working nights? Try to stay awake. You do whatever it takes, and in my case it was drinking even more pop and consuming even more calories. Due to working nights a lot, and just not caring, my grades suffered severely. Which brings me to my next ill fated decision as far as my health was concerned.
I decided to open my own business, a used video game store. Froyd’s House of Games. It was an impressive name, and a great idea(or so I thought). It is only important as a location though, so I shan’t trouble you with the business practices, types and other things to do with it. Suffice to say it lasted One Year and one and a half months, which was appoximately one more year than most people gave it. What makes this important to my tale is the fact that it was a place extremely conducive to weight gain. I was there 6-8 hours a day doing guess what? Yep! Sitting at a desk, in front of a GODDAMNED COMPUTER MONITOR TYPING OR PLAYING GAMES!!!! Intermittently selling video games too. Just sitting there wasn’t so bad, as it wasn’t any different than what I was doing at home. But the food became worse and worse. I lived off of easy foods such as burger king, pizza delivery and sub sandwiches. But wait! Sub sandwiches are healthy you say! BULLSHIT!
Sub sandwiches are not healthy when you are eating a full foot long(doesn’t matter what kind), a bag of chips and a medium pop, and then polishing it off with another can of pop. All those calories for someone sitting around doing nothing is not good for health. I challenge any doctor to disprove this. These fast caloric-full foods also had the pleasure of being eaten with dairy queen’s foods when it was opened. There was one within a half block from my shop. Consequently that summer I ate more and more shakes and ice cream. Definitely not good for the waistline.
The fast food, sedentary lifestyle, and non activity was bad enough, but then alcohol was added to it. I turned 21 9 months into my business and started drinking. Mostly brandy and beer, but then I discovered this stuff called Cask And Cream. Think bailey’s for the discerning wallet. It was tasty, and I’m quite sure it was calorie full and fattening. Cream mixed with brandy. I drank A LOT OF IT. It was not good for me.
My lifestyle in March of 2002 was horrible. My weight had reached the epic 293 lbs, I was fat, my clothes were baggy, and I was just noticing this. I had shut my eye to it for far too long, mainly because I just didn’t give a damn and I deluded myself into thinking I was happy. For those of you who’ve never carried around an extra 100 pounds on your body, let me fill you in on somethings that you would notice. I’ve never been pregnant, but I imagine hauling around a belly like mine is close to hauling around a growing infant in your 8th month of pregnancy.
Your arms are FAT. Your watch cuts into them every time you put it on, mainly because you haven’t adjusted it for 4 years. It doesn’t hurt, it just leaves marks in your skin after you are done wearing it because it squeezes so much. You can’t feel your muscles underneath your skin, you can flex all you like, but your biceps will not show up due to the fat covering them. In fact, the only noticeable difference is the slight tremor that shakes the flab hanging underneath your arm. It’s a sad pathetic sight.
You can grab handfuls of fat around your middle, and shake them up and down. Its sick gross and disgusting. Your belly button(if its an inny, I can’t speak about outies ‘cause mine’s an innie) turns into a gaping hole, and its about half the size of your mouth. The extra weight makes you groan when you sit down, and groan when you stand up. Man boobs are ridiculous, and they’re there as well. The size is envy-inducing for small breasted women. I’m not proud of this fact, but it must be told.
You don’t need a belt, because your pants are tight enough to stay up on their own. Your thighs when you sit down separate from each other about 6 inches away from where your crotch is. They look like gigantic water melons wrapped in denim. Your double chin wobbles each time you turn your head. You are fat, and there is no escaping the fact. Stairs frighten and confuse you. You ask yourself each time you walk up them why the hell they don’t do something about the grade of the climb, and the length. You start wishing the world was all on the first floor.
Now let me tell you about some of the health problems that came with my lifestyle: As I had largely poor posture, and worse muscles, I developed a herniated disc in my back in the 10th grade. Shooting pains down your leg, an inability to lay straight on your back, and an overall order from a doctor to lay down and do absolutely nothing while you wait for the disc to shrink, or face surgery to put it back. I thank God that I never had to go to surgery. Then the disc came back with a friend during Sophomore year of college. Yes, 2 herniated discs. My back was in agony, I couldn’t sleep, and I desperately NEEDED sleep because of working nights. Yet again, the option was to lay around doing nothing for a week and a half, allowing the disc to shrink back. It did, and no surgery was needed.
Those are just some of the health problems that might be encountered with over weight people. Those are the ones that I encountered anyways. And since this is my paper, those are the only ones I’ll cover. Suffice to say, in march of 2002, I was sick to death of the way I looked. I began to look at ways of slimming down. First things first was to wean myself off of the Mountain Dew. Was I addicted? Psychologically I was. Physically I was not, thankfully. If I had been, it would have been nigh impossible. I decided to give up Mountain Dew for lent, even though I am a lutheran. It was something that I felt would give an extra impetus for giving it up.
I switched to ginger ale in cans while getting off the Dew for work. Then I went to 2 litres, as I drank less from those than I did in cans. Eventually I was off those as well. By the end of lent, I was off the pop demon that had been bothering me for a decade. It was difficult, but it can be done. Now I drink crystal light, recently having made the switch from kool aid to that.
What else did I do? Well, when the shop closed I no longer went out to fast food places as much. I had maybe one fast food meal a month and that was usually a McDonald’s breakfastm, for about a year following. I’ve given up those since then as well. The lack of the massive calories in Double Whoppers and sub sandwiches has helped in the initial weight loss.
And what else happened? I started doing more stuff. I went to the hospital gym more and worked out, I ran around with my friends. I began LIVING again, regardless of my weight. I was doing something in the times where I wasn’t playing video games, or programming.
I also began the slim fast diet. 2 Shakes a day, or that’s what they suggest. Unfortunately beginning a habit has never been a strong point for me. I’ve cheated almost as many times as there are stars in the sky, but I still stick to it mostly. It is helping, and slowly but surely the pounds are melting off. Its far better to lose pounds slowly than all at once. The slower way of loss practically guarantees that you won’t be gaining any back.
Also, in the fall of 2001, I made another life decision that helped as far as the weight was concerned. I gave up computer science as my major. It was one of the most wrenching decisions of my life, because from my apple IIGS days, I had wanted to be a computer programmer. I was good at it, it made me happy when I was programming a game of something, solving a particular problem…a sense of acheivement and happiness came when I was involved with computers. But the classes weren’t working out and I discovered I enjoyed writing as much as programming. I switched my major. No longer did I have the huge projects looming over my head, waiting for 10 hour sessions 3 times a week, no more sitting and snacking while worrying if the problem will solve itself by the time the program is due.
Writing was easier for me, and much better in that I didn’t need to snack while doing it. It made me just as happy. It was tough to give up a life’s dream, but I’m glad I did. It has helped my outlook on life and my health quite a bit.
Also in the fall of 2001 I made a choice to join a sport. I joined Kum-Do(Korean Fencing) and it has been instrumental in giving me something to work out for. I owe much of my drive to lose weight to its influence. You can’t walk around in armor swinging a sword for long if you are a great deal heavier than you ought to be. I wanted to be the best I could be at sword fighting, and that gave me the will to lose weight.
With working out, kumdo, and cutting back on the diet, my weight was steadily decreasing. For the first time in years I could look at myself in the mirror and see a slimmer person trying to emerge. I could see the outline under the bulges, and it made me happy. It also occurred to me in the fall of 2002, that weight was some of the problem but overall fitness was more important. I began running a little bit, and worked on getting my endurance up.
I also decided to hold off graduation for about a year to go on Eurospring. This had to do with reasons of wanting to see the country over there, the things that I had heard about for many years, and a chance to meet other people. This turned out to be a great benefit, because the amount of walking done while in Europe got a great deal of my endurance up.
Also, Eurospring gave me another prompt to lose weight, more an affirmation of my plans than anything else. How was I appearing to women? Would I get a girlfriend? At my prior weight of 293 pounds, nothing short of paying a prostitute could have gotten me one(or so I believe, seeing the pictures of me at that time). Which is something I’d never do, as that idea simply boggles my mind. Anyways, back to the subject at hand, on eurospring it occurred to me that perhaps a chance had come up. A chance with a one of a kind girl who was intelligent, beautiful and entertaining. God only knows if I missed that chance due to actions or weight or whatnot. But it has given me extra push to lose weight so that if ever that chance comes around again, I can seize it. Maybe though, my lesson should be that until you are truly happy with yourself, how can you let another person be happy with you?
What with college taking up less time, no more business, and actual time to do things, I am enjoying life a great deal more. I’m running on the treadmills at the hospital gyms and am currently at 3.25 miles, in about 31.5 minutes. About 5.7 miles per hour. I’m not doing too badly, considering that a year ago I couldn’t run half a mile without having to stop. The pounds are still melting away, and it’s a daily battle to keep it that way. Sometimes the urge to snack becomes too much, and I slip. But overall I’m doing well. My current weight is at 227 pounds, meaning that I’ve shed 66 pounds in the last year and a half. Am I stopping there? No. Hill 209 must still be taken, and I believe that means getting rid of the last bit of the 100 pounds.
God willing, that will be within the next year. Was I happy with myself a year and a half ago? I can honestly say, no I was most certainly not. How did I live with myself when I was like that? Denial is a powerful thing. You never realize how much you’ve gotten worse until you can face the truth. When you face the truth however, it will give you the ability to overcome. That’s what happened to me. I saw finally that I was overweight, perhaps dangerously so. I made the decision to change, and that’s what I’ve done and am in the process of doing.
This bullshit of ‘You don’t need to change’ and ‘Just so long as you have high self esteem’ is just that:a large, smelly, pile of bullshit. That just allows people who might not be happy with themselves a cop out from becoming happy. It discourages change in the mantra of ‘just be happy with yourself as you are.’ That’s what it did to me. My self esteem, I thought, was pretty damned high. I thought I didn’t need to change, and that people should accept me as I was. I can’t blame it all on those sayings and attitudes though, as I was lazy and accepted them. It was just as much my fault as any’s. The attitudes of ‘its ok, just so long as you’re ok with yourself!’ are just blinders to the truth. If you aren’t happy with what you are, YOU must change. It isn’t going to happen if you have high self esteem(which is a chimera anyways), because who judges self esteem? You do. Not people around you. Are you going to work on changing because you’re unhappy with who you are? No, you’re going to rationalize it by taking the easy way out, what we’ve been taught for the last 20 years. Be content with who you are, find pleasure in that! That’s what they’ve been telling us. Self-Esteem comes from being happy with how, who, and what you are. It doesn’t come from what you COULD be, or what you MIGHT accomplish. It preaches the mediocre. It basically says: Why change? Change is judged by other people, be happy with who you are, other people just don’t know!
Mediocrity is what has been preached and our nation is suffering from it. How many people are obese, because they’ve been taught not to care about what other people think, and they’ve been taught that self-esteem is the ONLY important thing? Why don’t people work on changing? Because the laziness of self esteem has rotted our country. As long as they’re content, it is very difficult to change for the better when they’ve been taught that its ok to stay as you are. How many will die of heart attacks? How many will die of strokes? How many will die because they’ve been told again and again to be happy with yourself, because that is just how you ARE?
Take it from me. Its far better to change before the medocrity sinks in than afterwards. Because afterwards it might be too late to change. Obesity is just one of the problems caused by this, but it is the most life threatening one, especially in this day and age when so many are so afflicted by it.
Take it from me, a fat guy.