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Q: who are you?
A: My name is Jake Westrum; I'm currently at the University of Minnesota, in Minneapolis. I'm a film major, and in my spare time i'm writing these reviews.
Q: So you're just a student?
A: No, I lied.
Q: Why should we listen to you?
A: Well, why not? I've certainly seen a lot of movies, and i know something about the art of the shot.
Q: Your reviews aren't quite the same as other reviews we find. why?
A: First of all, I'm reviewing movies that aren't current theatrical releases for the most part. The movies i review are movies I'm watching on home video. Also, I refrain from using much outside of what I see in the movie. Commonly, in reviews you find all sorts of background information on the movie. I stay away from that for a few reasons. It's not necessary to understand the movie, usually. A film is meant to be an isolated world, and knowing biographical information about a director isn't going to further my understanding on it. However, I will say a few things occasionally if it pertains to the movie in some way. Critical acclaim; media hype; etc.
Q: So what you review is just based on what you watch on a whim?
A: Something like that. Sometimes I'll review movies I've seen several times, but usually it's a movie I've seen once or twice recently. If you want me to look at a specific movie, send me an email or an ICQ message, and we'll talk.
Q: I'm reading you. Who do you read?
A: I read Roger Ebert once a week for starters. I check in on James Berardinelli every few days. I rarely agree with Berardinelli, but it's still good to get an opinion on a movie, especially since he usually publishes before the theatrical release dates. I also read Scott Renshaw and Harvey Karten. Renshaw has a nifty little tool that lets you just give your email address, and all new reviews go right to your mailbox.
Q: Hi! I'm a 19 year old buxom female, and I think you're cute! I've had a lot of offers from everyone, but I'm saving myself for you. Would you consider meeting? Oh yeah, before you decide, I think you should know that I have a twin sister who thinks you're cute too! Do you have room enough for the both of us?
A: Have you seen my picture? Why don't you go and look at that, then you ask me again.
Q: Oh. Never mind. Get lost, creep.
A: I figured you hadn't.
Q: How am I supposed to contact you if I have a question?
A: Well, you can email me. But you already knew that. westrum@froyd.net Of course, you could also hook up the ICQ. My number's 51040674.
Q: Overall, I like your writing, but I notice that you tend to be overly fond of some movies, and overly critical of others. What gives?
A: A lot of people look at the pros and cons of a movie. I do as well; then i ignore one or the other, depending on how my overall experience was. I don't like to put a damper on a good movie experience by pointing out the flaws. We all know that very few movies are flawless. Why sweat the details?
Q: But what about the ones you criticize? I think you're pretty knowledgeable about films overall, but you seem to enjoy nitpicking and ridiculing. Are you so sick and pathetic you feel a need to put others down in order to satisfy your own insecurities?
A: Yes.
Q: I heard somewhere that you think Evil Dead 2 is one of the funniest and most innovative horror movies. Is that some sort of sick joke?
A: No.
Q: You must be joking.
A: No, i'm serious.
Q: Do you have some sort of sick bloodlust?
A: Yes.
Q: So I suppose you're some sort of sadist. Do you abuse housepets?
A: I have a thing with seeing animals hurt. But I have no problems with hurting people. Come here; I'll show you "bloodlust" when i take a bite out of you...
Q: You're funny, in a twisted way.
A: Who's joking?
Q: Hi. This is Drew Barrymore. I heard that you think I'm really talented. Would you consider meeting?
A: Did you see that question above? I advise you to look at my picture as well.
Q: Never mind. If you contact me, I'll file a restraining order.
A: Thank you!
Q: Have you had any experience making movies?
A: Not really. I'd like to try sometime. I have a few screenplays down, but I'm not too eager to do anything with them at this point. I don't feel you necessarily need a degree in film in order to know what you're talking about, but sometimes it helps to have some formal training. Especially in the "making" aspect. In fact, the only reason I'm majoring in film is because school can be fun too, if you know how to exploit it.
Q: I was at your top 100 list, and it's rather barren. Why no graphics?
A: I just didn't feel like putting anything up. Besides, graphics are mostly just for people who don't understand the words anyway.
Q: Come on. I'll be your best friend?
A: Sorry. I don't think so.
Q: Is everything some sort of sick joke for you?
A: You just aren't paying attention, are you?
Q: I've been reading your reviews, and I see how you're answering people's questions. Do you actually have a mate who can put up with you?
A: A mate? Do you mean friends, or a girlfriend?
Q: Girlfriend.
A: No, my winning personality hinders my social life.
Q: Sweet Christ! You're really fucked up in the head, aren't you? I bet you model yourself after Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.
A: We see Anthony Hopkins wear a man's face and you have the nerve to assume I model myself after Buffalo Bill!? C'mere so I can bite you.
Q: How can I be sure these questions are real? Are you just making all these up for a cheap laugh?
A: One question is made up, and I address that at the end. Other than that they're all real.
Q: Oh, so you're just an adorable little cuddly teddy bear who all women should just want to hold all day?
A: Yeah, something like that.
Q: I don't want to be here anymore. Can I leave?
A: Your back button works, doesn't it?
Q: Are you one of those people who find perverse glee in correcting other people's grammatical errors?
A: <short pause>...yes.
Q: You're sick. When I close my eyes and scream, I can still see your words permanently burned into my retinas. I'm going to require psychiatric help to reverse the damage you've caused me.
A: That's what I'm here for!
Q: All right, *may* I leave?
A: Yes, you may.
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*NOTE: Drew Barrymore did not actually contact me! I think she's a talented young actress, and cute as a button as well. And as far as I know she's not as mean spirited as I portrayed.*