Taylor Swift vs Kenny Chesney
First things first: if you don’t care about country music, don’t read this. You won’t get half the references, and chances are you’ve got something more important to do.
In a fist fight between these two country superstars, who would win?
The contenders:
Kenny Chesney, known for his beach bum style songs about taking it easy and laying in the sun; and for his methods of making teenaged girls swoon at his heartfelt lyrics and low slung cowboy hat (like a pansy dwight yoakam)
Taylor Swift, known for her high school style songs about tears, guitars, and pyromania; and for making teenaged girls swoon at her heartfelt lyrics that they can identify with (like a grown up miley cyrus)
Now, I will be completely honest, I’m entering this with a bit of a bias. I really don’t like Kenny Chesney’s music, there’s no energy to it, no get up ‘n go. It’s like a pot smoker’s country music. Tooootaalllyyyy smooooove. Anyway, that aside, what set me off wondering about what some might think is a mismatch? Chesney’s song “Out Last Night.” We’re going to stack it up against Swift’s “Picture to Burn” to see who would win.
First let’s talk tempo…Picture to Burn has some energy…one actually believes if one had the specific picture, and the song were on, the picture might actually burst into flames. That’s how pissed off she is, and it is reflected by the tempo, very (pardon the pun) swift.
The tempo in Out last night? If Chesney wanted it to seem like they went to a bar and ordered shirley temples, then sure, the tempo makes sense. This is not a tempo that would make one think fondly of going out the night before.
Singer’s identity is next on the list. Chesney’s persona? Who knows. Apparently he’s not secure enough in his skin to actually settle on one (think redneck and toby keith, drunkard and hank williams sr, stoner and willie nelson, etc. etc.) so there’s no identification for the listener. Even, as he says it in the song:
I was a doctor, a lawyer, a senator’s son
Brad Pitt’s brother and a man on the run
Anything I thought would get the job done
Some advice for Chesney the next time he goes out: don’t think. Women folk want someone who’s stable.
Taylor Swift’s identity in Picture to Burn is pretty much summed up as follows: very pissed off high school girl. And she’s got a match. I’m frightened.
Moving right along, let’s talk about potential backups that each could bring to a match of fisticuffs. Who does Chesney have watching his back? Oh, it’s his good friend Jimmy! Who apparently is already involved “in a fist fight out by the car.” Great friend you are Kenny, letting your buddy get into a fight without backing him up, and while you’re “Getting to know everybody and their mother.” For shame, I am sure my mother wants nothing to do with you and your schizoid identity crisis!
Who could Taylor Swift bring in to a fight? Her father. As she puts it, “And if you come around saying’ sorry to me/My daddy’s going to show you how sorry you’ll be.” If you’re not frightened, consider this: Her father lets her run around school making threats and burning shit. While conceivably not a perfect parent, he probably could kick some ass if she doesn’t burn it first.
Finally, what are the plans for the future from each artist? Chesney’s plans are to go out again tonight, in all probability to have a couple virgin strawberry daiquiris before he calls it a night. Chesney is an insult to drunks everywhere. Swift, on the other hand, plans on going out with all this guy’s best friends. Meh. Maybe this one’s too close to call.
One last note on Chesney’s out last night, where the hell was he drinking? “girls from Argentina and Arkansas,Maine, Alabama and Panama…” Where is that? The Copacabana!?!? Was one of them named Lola?
Based on just these two songs, I believe a shrill, angry, shrieking picture burning high school girl could beat the crap out of a multiple personality disordered pussy who lets his friend get into a fistfight without him.
That’s why Taylor Swift could beat up Kenny Chesney.
Of course, I could be taking Chesney’s song all wrong…if he made a song to make listeners feel like they had a horrible hangover and wanted to vomit, then I salute him…he succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
