So this is the tale of the jello. For my recipe, it was green jello mixed with carrots. I followed the specs, and grated about 6 carrots so that I’d have a little over 3 cups of grated vegetable. I knew, somehow, before putting it in the jello that this was an unnatural occurrence. I’m sure that some dark pagan ritual in ages past had probably been designed just to protect against such an action…jello plus vegetable = unholy.

Anyhoos, that was a lot of carrots. I waited until the Jello (also, interesting sidenote, if you don’t choose to say “vejello” you could pronounce jello with the j pronounced as an h…emphasize the first syllable and you’re there…back to it)…anyway, the gelatin was starting to coalesce when I did what few people outside of old church goers in the midwest do, I added the carrots. At first they sat on the surface, just sitting.

Then they began to sink slowly, like some orange monstrous entity that had risen briefly from the depths of a swamp to sniff hesitantly for prey before submerging once again. That’s when I began stirring. Stir stir stir beat beat beat. For those of you poor sods who’ve watched star wars christmas special, I was a bit like harvey korman the cooking robot.

Anyway, this is what I ended up with:

Not even a blind man would try this stuff. I decided to rely on the time honored tradition that members from my church relied on all the time: deception. How better to get them to try something so obviously uncouth? I came up with the perfect answer. Whipped cream, pineapples and maraschino cherries. Oh yes. Apparently I can sink to depths of evil unheard of in polite society. What was once disgusting was now delectable (bwahahahahaha!):

oh yes. This truly was unethical, if not a crime. How could one not be tempted to try this treat? It had cool whip! Pineapples! Maraschino cherries! Even if they were put off by the appearance of green jello with carrots once dished up, they’d still try it because of the toppings.

And try it they did! One would assume, with the texture, the taste, and overall rudeness of such a concoction that any sane, rational being would not have tried it. Especially those people after the person who dished it up first. But alas, there was nothing they could do. Such a delicacy must be at least attempted at this potluck, and though they might rue the decision, such attitudes are ingrained within us by our society. As such, this is what was left after the evening was done:

Certainly this was no worse than what was perpetrated by the first mixing. In the end the crime was finished. I still feel a LITTLE guilt (very little) about taking advantage of other’s politeness by having them partake of such a travesty.