as an early b-day present, I got THE BEETHOVEN ACTION FIGURE!!!!

with bendable legs and ACTION PIANO STOOL!!!!

wow. I’ve seen some bad movies(battlefield earth), but none really come close to Alexander. Oliver Stone has really outdone himself this time.

Alexander was, apparently, very very gay. We’re not talking ‘greek era bisexual gay’, we’re talking ‘gay porno doesn’t like women gay’. That is the entire story of this movie….Alexander (heart) Hephaestion.

Now, perhaps, you people need some idea of why this movie sucked so very VERY badly, other than being a gay soft core porno flick(not that I’ve seen any, but if I took the time to imagine it…yep, Alexander is that)…

Take Alexander…one of the greatest Military minds ever, conquered pert damned near all of the known world, founds cities left and right, takes gold tribute, everything. Lots o’ battles, a complete and utter genius. How many battles in the movie? 2. Just two. One where he defeats darius, and another where he defeats the indian army with elephants. And do these even BEGIN to show how much of a tactical mastermind he was? No. They’re shown in blurry shots, fast cuts, and lots ofblood. The battles, together, probably took up 20 minutes of a 3 hour film.

Can you take over the world without battles? Apparently Oliver Stone thinks so. What a dumbass.

And let’s not get into his portrayal of Alexander’s parents, Phillip and Olympia. Phillip, nothing more than a drunk womanizing asshole, according to stone. Olympia, nothing more than a power hungry manipulative bitch. While he’s historically accurate about Olympia(in a flat, 2 dimensional way), he leaves off history when it comes to Phillip, again only showing one side of him. Phillip, in his own right, was the foundation of power that Alexander built on.

As for the dialogue….my God. There lack, in many languages of the world, adjectives that describe how really bad the script was. And the story telling? Told from Ptolemy’s view forty years down the road. Flashbacks, for an ENTIRE FILM, don’t work. Especially flashbacks within a flashback(yes, there was one of these). Did the screenwriter miss out that day when they covered flashbacks in writing class?

In essence, the film was utter bullshit, and between the music and the camera shots, felt like an amateurish high school senior’s representation of a historical figure.

Oliver Stone owes me $5.75