The last 5 years since getting out of grad school have been pretty much a single-minded focus on getting enough money to pay bills over the long term. Back in grad school I enjoyed writing, I enjoyed research and reading, and had plenty of focus for both.
I’m worried that I’ve lost that focus because I’ve gotten older. I now have a full-time job focused on teaching that gives me enough time to get back into these loves of mine…myth studies and writing both.
I worry, though, that it has been such a long time that they tend to be dead. I’ve done some research and presentations in myth over the last few years, none of them really being in situations that are welcome to the subject or that can be helpful in building a resume.
That’s taken some wind out o’ the sails, to be certain. However, I worry that it’s more than that. I’m worried that the drive is gone: subsumed by this drive to pay bills, to make sure that I’ve enough fall back to avoid the position I found myself in all too often over the last 5 years: that of having no options.
That sounds worse than what it was, I fully admit. I never starved, I never lacked support of my family, I never was out of options when paying bills. It felt that way, though, and it became a starvation mentality. Store store store store store. I’m still in it, and everything is focused on that.
I’m recently out of working like a dog this summer, and already I’ve added another job to my full time work. Albeit it’s a job that’s working quite well with what I know and what I do for the full time, so it’s not time consuming, but it still stands that I can’t seemingly go more than a week before getting employment of some kind.
As well, it seems to really undercut the expectations I have for others. If they’re not driven, then it becomes an issue. It’s an issue fully started in my own consciousness however, and it’s a sad situation for reality. We all make our own reality, I suppose, and that’s what happened. This is very unfortunate.
So now my next task, not just the to-do list from that last post, is to figure out how to reclaim those interests and redirect the drives. I guess I made the first step tonight when I ordered a couple of myth studies books from amazon.
I may have to regiment my days a bit more closely…and I may need to cut out some of the video games. I’m deep into Elder Scrolls Online now…thought I’d stop, but I’m still going into it.
Energy becomes a precious commodity as one gets older, and it seems that one has to ration it so very carefully.